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UFO sightings are on the rise, and America has 300 times the number of E.T. reports than the global median, claims the ‘National Examiner,’ which has done the math so that you don’t have to.
That may explain why this week’s tabloids seem even more divorced from reality than usual.
Has President Trump’s tenuous affiliation with facts given the tabloids carte blanche to engage in flights of fantasy? Enquiring minds want to know.
Just like the “New York Times’ has its venerable motto “All the news that’s fit to print,” so the ‘National Enquirer’ has begun stamping across the bottom of almost every other page its blustering credo: “The only publication with the guts to tell it like it is.” If only.
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Promising “the truth about Trump and Russia,” the ‘Enquirer’ devotes two pages to “The Wiretapping Evidence the FBI Doesn’t Want You To See!” The report claims to prove that President Obama “DID target President Donald Trump” with a “massive ‘wiretapping’ conspiracy.” But its “evidence” – 47 hard drives and 600 million classified documents allegedly held by the FBI – have been “buried” in FBI director James Comey’s “vault” for “two years now.” But Trump announced his candidacy in June 2015, less than two years ago . . . so any two-year-old surveillance data can hardly be expected to be politically motivated – though it could potentially include evidence of Trump’s past dealings with Russia.
Trump operative and conspirator-in-chief Roger Stone writes exclusively in the ‘Enquirer’ that the allegations of Trump’s collusion with Russia are a plot by former HIllary Clinton campaign chief John Podesta “as a way to distract from the close ties with Putin enjoyed by Podesta and his brother, who have reaped millions from business deals with the cliques of oligarch’s connected to Putin.” Pot, meet kettle. Perhaps that is why Stone has “been poisoned as well as being a victim of a hit and run,” he muses, plunging deep into the paranoia pool without a flotation device.
Knowing the supermarket tabloids’ close relationship with President Trump, should we be concerned that the ‘Globe’ cover reveals the “Trump Plan To Take Out Kim Jong Un!” And how, exactly, will America oust the North Korean leader? The ‘Globe’ helpfully explains: “Seal Team 6 will storm North Korea dictator’s secret bunker!” That sounds like a suicide mission devised by someone whose military training amounts to watching James Franco and Seth Rogan’s movie comedy ‘The Interview,’ not to mention that it would be an open declaration of war against one of the world’s largest armies. What could possibly go wrong?
Back on more familiar showbusiness territory, the tabloids continue their scant relationship with reality. Singer Joni Mitchell faces her “tragic last days,” claims the ‘Globe,’ because she was recently seen in a wheelchair, which naturally means she “is facing a tragic end.” Princess Diana’s “death car brakes were rigged,” claims the ‘Globe,’ not for the first time – but if a story’s that good, it’s worth repeating (and repeating) because who needs facts or evidence?
Obesity remains a tabloid serial killer. ‘Gladiator’ star Russell Crowe is now a “Flab-iator” claims the ‘Globe,’ warning that the actor’s “weight explosion could be fatal!” Meanwhile the ‘Enquirer’ claims that Jack Nicholson is “Too Fat For Big-Screen Comeback.”
Homophobia is also as rife as ever in the tabloids. The ‘Enquirer’ reports on “Julia Roberts Secret Gay Scandal!” which amounts to a claim that her “freak” stepfather reportedly “has married his longtime boyfriend in a hush-hush gay ceremony!” Because what could be more scandalous than two people who love one another committing to a life together? The ‘Globe’ offers its own “Paris Jackson Lesbian Bombshell,” claiming that Michael Jackson’s daughter “is looking for lesbian love on dating app.” That’s apparently what happens when you admit that as a child you were “in love” with a famous cover girl. Because having a crush on supermodels is just a gateway drug to lesbianism, right?
‘People’ magazine brings us Barry revealing “my untold story” about his love for his husband of two years, Garry Kief. It seems that the 73-year-old singer didn’t come out of the closet earlier because of his fans: “I thought I would be disappointing them if they knew that I was gay.” I’m sure they were shocked, shocked I tell you, to finally learn the truth.
Penises also feature more than usual in this week’s “news.” The ‘Enquirer’ reports that Kim Kardashian is using a beauty cream derived from the cells of baby foreskins, that costs $165 a jar. It sounds expensive, but presumably when you rub it on your face the cream expands dramatically, so you’re actually saving money. Shy and retiring rock scion Kelly Osbourne tells ‘Us’ magazine: “I must have seen at least 100 dicks being sucked before I ever saw a penis that was meant for my eyes only.” She’s referring to outrageous sights she’s witnessed at Ozzfest, though why she’s putting a penis in her eyes remains to be explained. You have to wonder about her childhood when she recalls seeing the girl “who had ‘Brown-Eyed Girl’ tattooed around her asshole – though to her credit, she had a very cute anus.” Don’t we all?
That’s the sort of revelation we’ve come to expect from the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine, which this week tells us that Victoria Justice wore it best, Tom Bergeron is “addicted to Angry Birds” (don’t they have rehab for that . . ?) and that the stars are just like us: they ride roller coasters, grab lunch to go, and pose for selfies. Molly Ringwald disappointingly reveals that she doesn’t keep sixteen candles in her second-hand Prada tote, but instead carries rose oil, lipstick, popcorn and eyelash tweezers.
The ‘Examiner’ cover proclaims that singer Kenny Rogers “tells all before he dies,” which is good, because it’s so much harder to tell all once you’re dead. And the ‘Enquirer’ claims that George Michael was “secretly buried to hide HIV,’ presumably because if buried in a public service his casket would have had bio-hazard warning signs and “HIV Positive” stamped all over it.
At least the ‘Enquirer’ brings us one piece of real news: Jamie Keeton, of Oak Lawn, Illinois, who reportedly holds the Guinness World Record for the “most drink cans placed on his head using air suction.” Because you never know when you can’t find a nearby table on which to rest your beer, and sticking it to your forehead seems the logical place for an ‘Enquirer’ reader to stash his brew.
Onwards and downwards . . .
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You have to admire the insight, investigative prowess and sheer imagination of the tabloids, which this week are brimming with information that few people on earth could possibly know. It has been widely reported that a Secret Service agent’s laptop was stolen from her car, containing blueprints of President Trump’s homes. But only the ‘National […]
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